Total Pageviews

Monday, June 20, 2011

Please Release Me

I failed you and I failed myself.
Now my state of mind suffers and
cowers in the dark,
hiding from you,
but you always find me.

In my daydreams and in my nightmares you are there.
Sometimes its like you are trying to rob me off my life,
trying to force me to acknowledge a fate I failed to accept was mine.

I love God and I trust Him,
but at times I get so angry and desperate
and I don't know who to lash out on,
who to blame.
I hate the world because it was so easy for them to move on.
I hate them because I have no idea how to begin,
to take that first step.

No one understands,
no one wants to dare look that close,
but I don't blame them.
Who would want to be haunted by a homeless soul?

I hate to remember,
but with this, other parts of my life fade away.
I can't fight you anymore,
but am tired of these images of your face
that cling to me like a stench
that can't be washed away by a whiff of a fragrance.

I have shut out the world for long enough,
subjected myself through endless nights
of consuming tears
until I questioned my sanity.

Was this the price I had to pay
for not saying I loved you back
when you said you loved me?
Waking up every dreadful morning
to blame myself for something
that was never in my power to control?
Going to bed every night
and dreading to fall asleep
because I will find you there waiting for me?

Are they free,
the others who loved you as equally much?
Or do they endure the same amounts of sorrow
every moment they are alive?

I try to be happy,
most of the time I succeed,
but at the end of each day,
I see your face,
which yanks away my joy,
asking me why do I deserve to be happy
when am still mourning your demise?
How much longer must I continue to suffer?
These emotions bring me down to my knees,
my very bottom,
and I fear that one of these days
am not going to be able to get back up.

Someone should have warned me.
Someone should have told me
to be prepared for anything.
My divine faith led me to believe,
like every other endurance,
we could get through it.

How was I to know
that my own faith would betray me?
How was I to know?
Everything is so dark now.
I hold on, oh so tightly.
But am terrified.

What if my faith deserts me when I need it the most?
What if my self-pitying reassurances run out?
What if the only thing sustaining my sanity deserts me as well?

Was this my punishment all along?
To doubt and second guess my beliefs?
My entire existence?
I want to let you go,
but you must be willing to let me go as well

No comments:

Post a Comment